i love writing. it’s one of my favorite forms of self expression. it’s when i can really focus on my thoughts. and i like writing in all lowercase.

i also like to throw things in just for kicks. for example, my business blog is titled, “a diary of one babelicious internet marketing chick…” yes, i’m a chick. yes, i’m an internet marketer. however, do i see myself as “babelicious”? not so much. well, maybe more so now than when i originally gave my blog that title over… ummm… 10 years ago. at the time, i was preggers with jroc and maybe gained… 458.3 lbs. not so babelicious, but i liked how the word looked & sounded… so i used it

i’ve also used the term “drama queen” to describe myself elsewhere… it just “felt” so… colorful. but am i one? i don’t know… let me check how it’s defined…

drama queen – noun
a person given to often excessively emotional performances or reactions.

via merriam-webster.com

as far as i’m concerned… no. my emotions and reactions are certainly not “performances”… are you kidding me? let me get a handle on myself before sending me out to entertain anyone else. but i used the term and i’ll continue to use it for as long as i choose.

it’s interesting tho… how some people will allow these sweet nothings to upset them. “she calls herself babelicious? who does she think she is… a babe?” “i hate drama queens!!! i hate carmen!”

c’mon now…

first of all, i’ve already invested some time out of my life to briefly cover why i chose to use those particular words. second, who cares if i do!? does it cause you to earn less from your job? does it make it more difficult to reach your goals & dreams? if i were really a drama queen, would it affect how much you’re able to provide for yourself and your family? make it more difficult to climax? gain weight? snore? maybe it’s the reason why your face broke out yesterday. and those bad hair-days… totally my fault.

if what i (or anyone else for that matter) say affects you… and you *know* it’s not direct at you, maybe you should spend some “you-time” and ask yourself how it’s possible that something that has absolutely nothing to do with you, have the power to make you feel the way you do.

carmen’s a drama queen and it bothers me because… i’m dyin for attention and i don’t know how to get it. (haha…) i hate that the little b*tch refers to herself as “babelicious” because… nobody seems to mind that she does, and i so want to do the same but i’m afraid people will criticize me for doing so. (i don’t know…)

but seriously, i’m not hurting you so if stuff like this bothers you, then it’s all on you. i mean, i think you’re babelicious… and i think you deserve all the attention you want for yourself! i certainly wouldn’t hold ill thoughts over anyone for painting themselves in any way they choose.

lighten up

love,
*carmen*
the babelicious drama queen <3

It’s pretty much no secret by now, that I took a 4 year “hiatus” from online marketing (and just about everything else in my life) after my (ex)husband of 11 years walked out on me. Seriously, after 15 years together… and one BEAUUUUTIFUL son together, he just ups and leaves without a warning. It’s traumatic.

So, my whole world is turned upside-down and falls completely apart… and I feel the only way I can keep on moving forward is to… drop everything and focus on my son.

Which isn’t such a bad thing. I was team-mom for all activities JRoc participated in. I was room-mom at his school… joined the PTA… and I even took on the role of PTA President. I was den-mom for his Cub Scout troop and his Religious Ed teacher. Everything I did revolved around my son.

Which meant I completely neglected my business. But, you know… I just couldn’t deal with it. I turned to other single/divorced IM moms who are doing a marvelous job at all this “independence” deal… and of course, chatting with/reading about how they overcame the pain and struggles inspired me. I was hit with little sparks of motivation where I thought… “If they can do it, so can I!!”

Ummmm… not a chance. I’m a hopeless wimp. A hot mess.

Then came someone who smacked me around with tough love.

I still hate it… I really do. It feels so cold, cruel, and completely void of compassion. I’m the type of person who thrives on affection, smiles, hugs, kisses, encouraging words… the warm and fuzzies.

But, he yanked me out of my “comfort zone”… asking me questions that had me questioning myself, my (lack of) goals… and I think maybe that’s what I need right now. “If I were in your shoes… single, with a child… and no one to turn to… I’d be doing EVERYTHING I POSSIBLY CAN to become independent. I’d be scared sh*tless that I wouldn’t have money to feed myself or my kid!”

Being comfortable… feeling nurtured and pampered… had me ducking away from my responsibilities to support myself. I felt all this time that I couldn’t handle it… too difficult… too painful. But, realistically, if I don’t do it, who the heck will do it for me? Not my son’s apparently unemployed (going on 2 years) dad. Bleeech…

So, yeah… Mr. Tough Love has me kicking and crying (while I’m dying for just one freakin’ hug for cryin’ out loud)… as I scramble to finish projects so we can begin promoting them… he stays up with me til I’m all finished… at 7am.

Forcing me to get myself back on my feet again. To become independent. To want it all… and go after all that I want.

I hope tough love will fix me.

In the meantime, I’m accepting donations in the form of friendly smiles, warm words, bear hugs… and even pity love : )

He stayed up with me til 7am while I finished this… iFrame-Ready Facebook Page Templates with Viral Marketing System Super low price for a very limited number of copies… *Rave Reviews*

Have you ever looked at something that’s been a part of your life for almost forever (furniture, pets, even family), and suddenly find yourself *seeing* it for the very first time? This has been happening to me quite often lately, and it’s creepy weird.

Why does my room look different? Are those my sandals? Is this the same laptop I’ve been working on for the past year? When did I finish designing that website? What happened to my golden highlights and green eyes?!! ( << just kidding! nark! nark! :-D )

If you think I’ve lost my mind, you’re right. But not how you might think…

You see, I’ve always believed in living life in the present and on purpose. I thought I’ve been practicing it all this time. However, my recent “awakening” forced me to realize and accept that at some point, I’ve involuntarily become a mere spectator of my own life. I wasn’t fully participating and simply waited to see what was going to happen next.

• I went through the motions without actually *living* the moment
• I relied on the weather, current events, and other people’s moods & actions to determine how my day was going to be
• I gave up my freedom to choose my own actions and my effectiveness

While I’ve always made it a point to *actively choose* positive thoughts and moods and to complete all of my daily responsibilities, at some point, I began to unconsciously live a life dictated by habits, routine, and weaknesses. Somewhere, somehow, I lost control of ME.

And now that I’m aware of this, I’ve made a conscious decision to take back control of my mind and practice being proactive. I will choose to think positive thoughts and take back responsibility of my own effectiveness. I will openly recognize and accept my weaknesses and actively learn from them and make constant improvements. And although I cannot be responsible for someone else’s thoughts and actions, I have full control of how I respond to them.

I accept the responsibility of being a true master of my life. I will not allow myself to be acted upon.

So today, I’m fully and actively ‘present.’ Writing this entry… playing with my son… doing my laundry… talking to clients… I know for every moment that passes, my opportunity to live in the moment and create a change in my life would’ve also passed. I now realize just how crucial this is because when you do these things, you force your life to shift in the direction YOU are guiding it towards.

I’ve taken back the keys and I’m driving again.

As some of you may have noticed, I’ve been MIA for a little while. It was due to an unplanned personal “challenge” and never was it my intention to neglect my clients and readers. I would like to begin by apologizing from the bottom of my heart if I’ve worried, angered, and/or disappointed anyone because to this.

Let me explain what’s been happening… I’ll try to make it short and to the point.

—————
The Problem
—————

In the last 6 months, I’ve allowed both positive and negative online communications I’ve received to greatly affect me. I understand this is business, but the services are provided by me, a real person. And I found myself unable to separate the business vs. non-business communication.

I grew incredibly sensitive to abusive customers, and emails threatening me or my family usually brought my entire day to a halt. Reading personal threats and dealing with difficult people drained me to the point where I dreaded going online some days, even just to check for new messages. Because I did not want to bother other online business owners by confiding in them about what to do with these types of people, I started to believe I was the only one attracting bad customers and I even began to doubt myself and what I had to offer my clients.

Trying to deal with this took much time and attention away from clients who have always been cooperative and pleasant to work with. And worst of all, it quickly reached the point where it even disturbed me offline. I became paranoid, always suspicious, and insecure… to say I was unhappy & exhausted is an understatement.

So, in early January, my doctor sent me home with a prescription for Zoloft. I fought long and hard with myself about taking this medication (it’s been prescribed to me once before), and finally decided that in order to feel like “myself” again… to be able to get things done… this is what I needed to do.

During the first week of February, I started taking the lowest dosage to get my system used to the medication. However, it completely knocked me out for almost the entire day. I continued to increase my dosage per doctor’s instructions, but found it almost impossible to keep my eyes open, and was unable to function at all. Sure, I was no longer frightened, but that’s because I was sleeping most of the time.

I requested an alternative solution and got the “okay” in the beginning of March. I’ve been “awake” for about 3 weeks, and have been scrambling to play catch up with all of my responsibilities.

—————
The Remedy
—————

In order to move forward with my personal and business life, I had to decide to overcome this detour. Otherwise, I’ll remain stagnant, further damaging my relationships with my family, friends, clients and readers. Because I’m no longer taking the medication, it was suggested that I find a “support group” – people who are in a similar field as I am, and confide in them whenever I’m faced with “difficult” clients.

I’ve been very fortunate to come into contact with a handful of people who I feel I can trust and confide in… and during the past 3 weeks, I’ve already been faced with 2 of the most miserable people I’ve ever encountered online (one who sent me abusive email 3 times a day), and turning to my “support group” for advice has proved to be very helpful.

I would never wish this awful experience on anyone, but it’s quite comforting to know I’m not the only one having to deal with difficult and abusive people… and that other marketers have “survived” it and are able to continue with a happy life and successful business. I don’t feel the uncontrollable “fear” I would normally start feeling, and I am quickly learning to take every possible measure to let this type of people “go” and immediately block them from ever contacting me again.

Don’t dwell. Let it go. Keep moving forward.

—————
The Resolution
—————

I fully understand and accept that I cannot make my personal challenges into other people’s problems, and I promise to do my very best to keep my business practices as professional as possible.

Once again, I sincerely apologize for the lack of activity from my end, and for worrying, angering, or disappointing anyone because of my personal issues.

I may not dance in the spotlight like many other Internet “celebrities”, but I am one of the best out there. I’m just more comfortable planting myself behind the scenes, but don’t let that fool you. I give you my word that I will continue to teach you how to get the MOST out of your marketing efforts, and I will always look out for your best interest.

When you need to focus, do you find yourself working better in a particular environment?

You know it’s finals week when my sister blasts music (more than usual) in her room… so loud I can’t even hear myself think in another room in a different floor.

Al works best when the TV is locked into the anime marathon channel.

My friend prefers the calming sound of running water from his tabletop water fountain. (can we say ‘frequent trips to the bathroom’ ??)

One colleague insists she absolutely must have her cat on her lap when doing work.

I found I’m most focused and most productive (not mentioning least b*tchy) when Al and Joshua are within my view where I can simply glance up at them while they build with blocks, draw pictures, read books, and well… sweet things that give me a sense of love, peace, and security.

How ’bout you?